THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

GIFT  OF 

Mrs.  Edwin  Grabhorn 


Aloft  in  pendent  dignity, 

Astride  her  magic  broom, 
And  wrapt  in  dazzling  majesty, 

See !  see !   the  Goody  come  ! 
Biding  sublime  on  billowy  air, 
She  tun'd  her  instrument  with  care. 


THE 

REBELLIAD; 

OR 

TERRIBLE      TRANSACTIONS 

AT   TfiB   SEAT   OF    THE   MUSES; 

A  POEM, 

IN     FOUR     CANTOS, 

AUCTORE  ENGINES   SOCIETATIS  POETA 

EDITED  AND   PATRONISED   BY   THE   PI   TATJ. 


PRINTED   BY  PRIVATE   SUBSCRIPTION. 


CAMBRIDGE: 
WELCH,    BIGELOW,    AND    COMPANY, 

PRINTERS   TO   THE  UNIVERSITY. 
1863. 


EDITOR'S  PREFACE. 


FEW  writings  have  recently  been  so  much  read  in 
manuscript  as  the  poem  here  presented.  More  than 
twenty  years  have  elapsed  since  its  delivery  before 
one  of  the  societies  in  Harvard  University,  and  it  is 
familiar  to  all  who  have  since  graduated,  and  by  the 
major  part,  perhaps,  has  been  transcribed.  A  quarter 
of  a  century  has  produced  nothing  at  the  seat  of  the 
Muses  to  vie  with  the  character  it  has  held  for  wit  and 
pleasantry ;  and  it  still  remains  the  text-book  of  the 
jocose,  and  is  still  regarded  by  all,  even  the  melan- 
choly, as  a  most  happy  production  of  humorous  taste. 

The  Rebelliad  is  not,  then,  wholly  unknown ;  nor 
are  its  merits  yet  to  be  pronounced  upon.  It  as  little 
requires  from  us  an  introduction,  as,  after  the  charac- 
ter it  has  so  long  held,  it  admits  our  commendation. 
We  will  only  here  add  to  the  brief  remarks  we  have 
made  in  the  margin,  that  it  was  written  principally 
in  the  recitation-room,  and  delivered  in  1819,  imme- 
diately after  the  transactions  it  relates,  before  the 
Engine  Club  then  existing  among  the  members  of 
the  University.  The  name  of  the  author,  which  has 
been  of  late  very  generally  mistaken,  stands  among 
the  members  of  1818  in  the  Med.  Pac.  Catalogue, 
and  may  be  distinguished  by  the  title,  Engines  So- 
cietatis  poeta. 


6  EDITOR'S  PREFACE. 

We  have  a  word  relative  to  the  present  text.  On 
first  designing  printed  impressions  of  this  poem,  we 
had  no  other  resource  for  a  copy  than  the  manu- 
scripts now  in  College ;  no  two  of  which,  on  being 
collated,  were  found  to  be  alike.  The  original,  in 
many  places,  could  not  even  be  guessed  at :  copyists 
had,  evidently,  without  noticing  it,  been  continually 
taking  these  questionable  liberties,  the  use  of  which 
makes  Gassendi  acknowledge  of  his  collection  of  an 
ancient  philosopher,  non  habetur  illi  adeo  scrupu- 
lose  illigata,  ut  non  utar  QSL  libertate,  qiia  pleraque 
emoveam,  transponam,  et  qua  esse  videbitur  magis 
commodum,  interjiciam.  After  writing  out  a  text 
from  these  different  sources,  adding  our  own  improve- 
ments to  those  that  had  before  been  made,  we  were 
happy  to  have  this  trouble  rendered  useless,  by  re- 
ceiving direct  from  the  author  of  the  Rebelliad  the 
original  MS.  of  his  poem;  from  which  the  present 
edition  has  been  printed.  No  copy  was  ever  before 
made  by  his  consent,  and  those  first  circulated  were 
written  only  from  memory.  Some  of  those  who  were 
permitted  to  read  it  in  his  room  while  in  College, 
attempted  to  procure  copies  by  each  committing  a 
portion  to  be  afterwards  written  out. 

Cambridge,  June,  1842. 


PREFACE. 


SOME  of  the  most  venerable  of  the  antique  tribe  of 
critics  have  had  the  unaccountable  audacity  to  as- 
sert that  I  have  wasted,  not  only  my  time  and  ideas 
in  a  vain  attempt  to  impose  an  Epic  upon  them, 
but  even  my  paper,  ink,  and  quills.  I  was  for  some 
time  at  a  loss  to  determine  whether  to  laugh  at  the 
ludicrous  gravity  of  their  virulence,  or  to  answer 
them  with  soundness  of  argument.  After  due  delib- 
eration, I  concluded  to  pursue  both  courses ;  laugh- 
ing lustily  three  times  at  the  close  of  each  argument. 
They  accuse  me  of  wasting, 

I.  Time.     I  would  remind  them  of  that  golden 
rule,  "  Do  as  you  are  done  by."     Now  time  wastes 
me,  and  vice  versa,  (which  is,  being  interpreted,  Tit 
for  Tat,)  I  waste  time. 

II.  Ideas.     They  are  wholly  immaterial,  and  how 
can  immaterial  substances  be  wasted  ? 

III.  Paper.     I  have  used  no  more  than  was  or 
will  be   absolutely  necessary:  of  course  there  has 


0  PREFACE. 

been  no  waste,  since  waste  implies  unnecessary  con- 
sumption. 

IV.  Ink  and  quills.  It  has  cost  me  nothing  for 
these  articles,  as  my  chum  can  prove. 

Having  thus  fully  and  unanswerably  silenced  ob- 
jection-makers of  all  descriptions  to  the  above-men- 
tioned points,  I  shall  now  wield  my  pen  in  defence 
of  another  vulnerated  punctilio.  The  last  number 
of  the  "  Podunk  Pop-gun,"  (a  semiannual  publi- 
cation, issued  from  the  Brass  Foundry  of  Peter  Pam- 
poodle,  Esq.,  once  a  century,)  contains  the  follow- 
ing :  "  He  "  (meaning  me)  "  says,"  say  they,  "  that 
he  followed  that  infallible  guide  of  genius,  the  in- 
tellectual nose.  It  may  be  so ;  we  follow  the  same 
guide  ourselves ;  but  we  cannot  perceive  how  that 
proves  his  Poem  an  epic." 

There  are  22222  different  ways  of  solving  this  diffi- 
culty, 2  of  which  I  shall  mention. 

1.  By  premising  it  to  be  a  well-authenticated  fact, 
that  those  persons  who  are  in  the  habit  of  following 
their  noses,  are  in  the  habit  of  picking  them.     Now 
what  pick  is  to  the  physical  nose,  epic  is  to  the  intel- 
lectual. 

2.  By  proceeding  to  conclude. 


PROLOGUE. 

OH!    IN    HARVARD! 

PARODY  ON  HOHENLINDEN. 
I. 

AT  Harvard,  when  the  sun  was  low, 
All  bustling  was  the  kitchen's  glow, 
And  hot  as  tophet  was  the  flow 
Of  coffee,  boiling  rapidly. 

II. 

But  Harvard  saw  another  sight 
When  the  bell  rang  at  fall  of  night, 
Commanding  every  appetite 
To  snatch  a  supper  hastily. 

m. 

By  mess  and  table  fast  arrayed, 
Each  Freshman  drew  his  eating  blade, 
And  furious  every  jaw-bone  played, 
Devouring  Cooley's  cookery. 

IV. 

Then  shook  the  Halls  with  racket  riven, 
Then  rushed  each  Soph  to  battle  driven, 
And  louder  than  the  bolts  of  heaven, 
Round  smashed  the  brittle  crockery. 


10  PROLOGUE. 

V. 

And  louder  yet  that  noise  shall  grow  ; 
And  fiercer  yet  that  strife  shall  glow  ; 
And  hotter  yet  shall  be  the  flow 
Of  coffee,  boiling  rapidly. 

VI. 

JT  is  night,  —  but  scarce  had  Dr.  Pop 
Put  half  his  supper  in  his  crop, 
When  Freshman  fierce  and  furious  Soph 
Shout  in  their  savory  canopy. 

VII. 

The  combat  deepens.     On,  ye  brave, 
And  let  the  cooks  the  pieces  save ! 
Wave,  Goodies,  all  your  besoms  wave ! 
Inspire  their  souls  with  chivalry. 

VIII. 

Ah !  few  shall  part  where  many  meet 
With  anything  but  blows  to  eat, 
And  every  dish  beneath  their  feet 
Shall  be  a  supper's  sepulchre. 


THE  REBELLIAD. 

CANTO    I. 


THE     ARGUMENT. 


Invocation.  —  Battle  between  the  Sophomores  and  Freshmen 
in  Commons  Hall.  —  Doctor  Pop  endeavors  to  obtain  a  suspen- 
sion of  arms ;  goes  to  Lord  Bibo's  study ;  makes  a  speech.  —  Sikes 
also  pours  forth  a  torrent  of  eloquence. 

TIME  :  —  Two  hours  on  Sunday  evening. 

OLD  Goody  Muse !  on  thee  I  call, 
Pro  more,  (as  do  poets  all,) 
To  string  thy  fiddle,  wax  thy  bow, 
And  scrape  a  ditty,  jig,  or  so. 
Now  don't  wax  wrathy,  but  excuse 
My  calling  you  old  Goody  Muse ; 
Because  "  Old  Goody  "  is  a  name 
Applied  to  ev'ry  College  dame. 
Aloft  in  pendent  dignity, 
Astride  her  magic  broom. 


12  THE   REBELLIAD. 

And  wrapt  in  dazzling  majesty, 
See  !  see  !  the  Goody  come  ! 
Riding  sublime  on  billowy  air. 
She  tun'd  her  instrument  with  care ; 
And  that  her  voice  and  fiddle  might 
In  mingling  harmony  unite, 
She  blow'd  her  nose  and  cried,  ahem ! 
To  throw  off  maccaboy  and  phlegm  : 
Then,  with  slow  melancholy,  sung 
How  for  a  witch  her  ma'  was  hung  ; 
And  with  a  doleful  aspect  blunder'd 
Through  half  a  stanza  of  "  old  hundred/' 

She  ceas'd,  her  misty  mantle  shook, 
And  from  her  magic  pocket  took 
A  box  —  not  such  as  that  in  story, 
A  gift  from  Jove  to  Miss  Pandora ; 
From  which  went  forth  as  many  ills, 
As  from  a  box  of  Conway's  pills  ; 
No  :  it  was  filPd  with  vulgar  stuff, 
CalFd  maccaboy,  or  headache  snuff. 


THE  REBELLIAD.  13 

Her  pocket  held  another  thing, 
Which  ancient  dames  do  sometimes  squeeze, 

A  bottle  of  New  England  sling, 
Or  any  other  kind  you  please ; 

(For  't  does  not  signify  a  pin, 

Whether  't  was  brandy,  rum,  or  gin ;) 
Which,  ever  and  anon,  she  'd  kiss 

With  smacking  fondness  and  delight ; 
Until  her  fancy,  full  of  bliss, 

Was  fir'd  to  sing  of  deeds  of  might. 
Her  viol  she  attun'd  anew ; 
To  lofty  themes  her  fingers  flew. 
Hark  !  the  melodious  sounds  have  ris'n  ! 

The  spirits  of  the  tuneful  nine 

Delay  their  dewy  car, 
In  which  they  cleave  the  arch  of  Heav'n, 

On  their  celestial  harps  recline, 

And  listen  from  afar  ; 
While  thus  she  sung  :  One  Sunday  night 
The  Sophs  and  Freshmen  had  a  fight. 


14  THE   BEBELLIAD, 

'T  was  when  the  beam  that  linger' d  last 

Its  farewell  ray  on  Harvard  cast, 

Or  Sol,  with  night-cap  on  his  head, 

Was  just  a  creeping  into  bed, 

When  Cookum  told  a  boy  to  tell 

Another  boy  to  toll  the  bell, 

To  call  the  students  to  their  tea. 

As  when  a  brood  of  pigs,  who  see 

Their  feeder  with  a  pail  of  swill, 

With  which  their  maws  they  're  wont  to  fill, 

Do  squeal  and  grunt,  and  grunt  and  squeal, 

In  expectation  of  a  meal ; 

So  they  to  commons  did  repair 

And  scramble,  each  one  for  his  share : 

When  Nathan  threw  a  piece  of  bread, 

And  hit  Abijah  on  the  head. 

The  wrathful  Freshmen,  in  a  trice, 

Sent  back  another  bigger  slice  ; 

Which,  being  b utter' d  pretty  well, 

Made  greasy  work  where'er  it  fell. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  15 

And  thus  arose  a  fearful  battle ; 
The  coffee-cups  and  saucers  rattle ; 
The  bread-bowls  fly  at  woful  rate, 
And  break  many  a  learned  pate. 
As  when  a  troop  of  town-school  boys 
Fall  out  and  make  a  plaguy  noise, 
On  either  side  the  boldest  close, 
And  kick  and  cuff  with  furious  blows  ; 
While  others,  fearful  of  their  bones, 
Slink  out  of  sight  and  fight  with  stones, 
Although  they  now  and  then  appear, 
And  rave  heroic,  curse  and  swear ; 
But,  when  the  danger  comes,  quick  flee 
Behind  a  neighb'ring  wall  or  tree  ; 
Just  so  these  learned  sons  of  College 
Did  bruise  their  instruments  of  knowledge. 
Regardless  of  their  shins  and  pates, 
The  bravest  seiz'd  the  butter  plates, 
And  rushing  headlong  to  the  van, 
Sustain' d  the  conflict  —  man  to  man. 


16  THE   REBELLIAD. 

There,  in  the  thickest  of  the  fight, 
Did  Nathan  show  such  deeds  of  might, 
As  would  have  rais'd,  in  times  of  yore, 
A  statue  o'er  a  tavern  door ; 
And  'Bijah,  fearless  of  his  foes, 
Help'd  many  to  a  bloody  nose. 
From  right  to  left  these  heroes  fly 
Until  they  catch  each  other's  eye. 
As  when  two  ram-cats,  fierce  for  fight, 
Do  bristle  up  with  vengeful  spite, 
And,  as  the  combat  dread  they  dare, 
With  caterwaulings  rend  the  air ; 
So  they,  when  each  the  other  saw, 
Their  grinders  grittingly  did  gnaw ; 
And  grumly  growl'd,  with  dire  intent, 
As  at  it  terribly  they  went. 
First  each  uprais'd  his  brawny  fist,a 
And  aim'd  a  deadly  blow,  but  —  miss'd. 
Then  'Bijah  seiz'd  a  coffee-pot, 
Surcharg'd  with  liquid  boiling  hot, 

*  Est  milii  fist-ula. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  17 

And  hurl'd  it  with  such  matchless  force, 
As  smash' d  two  pitchers  in  its  course  ; 
But  Nathan  dodg'd  the  mighty  blow,b 
And,  turning  quickly  on  his  foe, 
Repaid  the  visit  with  his  foot, 
Cas'd  in  a  Mclntirian  *  boot. 
Full  drive  it  hit  Abijaji's  bum 
And  keel'd  him  over  ;   but  his  chum 
Had  wielded,  in  his  just  defence, 
A  bowl  of  vast  circumference. 
Ye  Powers  of  Mud  !  no  mortal  tongue 
Can  tell  how  all  the  College  rung, 
How  stars  did  shoot  from  eye  to  eye, 
How  suns  and  moons  flew  flashing  by, 
When  Nathan's  thick-bon'd  jobbernowl 
Did  come  in  contact  with  the  bowl ! 


*  Carolus  Mclntire,  qui  ocreas,  quae  Galoches  necessitatem  su- 
persedent,  facit,  etc.  Vid.  Cat.  Fac.  Med. 

b :  ille  ictum  venientem  a  vertice  velox 

Praevidit,  celerique  elapsus  corpore  cessit.  —  ^Eneid.  v.  444. 


18  THE  REBELLIAD. 

The  foemen,  likewise,  in  the  rear. 
On  both  sides  valiantly  appear ; 
And  fiercely  brandishing  on  high 
Their  missiles,  straightway  let  them  fly  ; 
Though  some  there  were,  oh  !  shame  to  say  ! 
Who  fled  like  cowards  from  the  fray, 
And  slily  sneak' d  behind  the  door, 
Where  they  might  safely  bawl  and  roar ; 
From  whence  they  now  and  then  did  pop, 
To  throw  a  cup  or  tea-pot  top. 

Meantime,  Old  Pop,*  as  well  he  might, 
Show'd  many  symptoms  of  affright. 
With  nervous  haste  he  fill'd  his  cup, 
And  twice  as  hasty  drank  it  up. 
Now  would  he  grin  ;  now  stroke  his  face, 
Or  rub  his  shins,  and  stare  at  —  space. 
But  when  the  battle  fiercer  grew, 
And  groans  with  every  milk-pot  flew, 
He  thought  th'  Old  Nick  must  be  to  pay 
Thus  to  profane  the  Sabbath  day. 

*  A  professor  or  tutor  went  to  commons  with  each  class. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  19 

His  antique  skull  cap  he  did  wield 

To  serve  the  purpose  of  a  shield  ; 

For  he,  like  learned  Greeks  of  yore, 

A  something  on  his  noddle  wore, 

Which,  as  occasion  call'd,  would  do 

For  hat,  casque,  shield,  and  breastplate  too : 

In  other  parts,  as  th'  Apostle  saith, 

His  armor  was  the  Christian  faith. 

He  then  to  Freshman  Hall  *  did  creep, 
And  ventur'd,  now  and  then,  to  peep.0 
Silent  the  Grecian  stood,  because 
Amazing  wonder  held  his  jaws.d 
At  length  he  deeply  groan' d  within,6 
And  cried,  V2  TTOTTO*,  how  much  sin ! 
Upon  the  whole,  he  look'd  so  queer 
The  Juniors  shouted  in  the  rear  ; f 

*  MS.  Vandal  Hall.  The  Freshmen  were  in  No.  3,  and  the 
Sophomores  in  No.  2  University  Hall :  Pop  presided  in  No.  4, 
with  the  Juniors. 

c  Nulla  salus  bello.  —  JE.  xi.  362. 

d  ,  et  vox  faucibus  hsesit.  —  JB.  ii.  774. 

e  Turn  vero  ingentem  gemitum  dat  ab  pectore  imo.  —  JE.  i.  485. 
f  It  clamor  ad  alta. 

Atria : jE.  iv.  666. 


20  THE   REBELLIAD. 

Which,  added  to  the  noise  within, 
Made  such  a  dreadful,  clatt'ring  din, 
That  all  the  folks  in  Cambridge  swore 
They  never  heard  the  like  before. 
The  sun  now  veiPd  his  ruddy  nose ; 
Which  brought  the  contest  to  a  close. 
The  vanquished  quit  the  well-fought  field, 
And  to  the  victors  vict'ry  yield. 

Go  on,  dear  Goody  !  and  recite 

The  direful  mishaps  of  the  fight. 

Alas  !  how  many  on  that  eve, 

O'er  suppers  lost,  were  doom'd  to  grieve ! 

What  daylights  pummelPd  black  and  blue ! 

What  noddles  smear'd  with  goreless  hue ! 

How  dishes  did  not  float  in  blood, 

As  Noah's  Ark  did  in  the  flood ! 

What  heroes  fell  to  bite  the  bricks,* 

Overthrown  by  bowls  !  perchance  by  kicks  I 

*  The  floor  of  Commons  Hall  is  made  of  bricks. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  21 

How  Pop  was  in  a  doleful  pickle, 

And  how  the  Juniors  it  did  tickle ! 

But  cease  the  touching  chords  to  sweep, 

For  Mrs.  Goff*  has  deign'd  to  weep ; 

And  shall  not  we  bow  down  and  lave 

The  wreath  she  twin'd  around  their  grave? 

Now,  at  the  close  of  this  affray, 
The  spirit  mov'd  Old  Pop  away, 
In  haste  to  see  the  President, 
To  let  him  know  how  matters  went. 
He  sat :  and  looking  sagely  droll, 
Let  out  the  anguish  of  his  soul :  * 

t,  most  rev'rend  Sir  ! 
eg%onai  your  breast  to  stir  ; 

xkvdi  ptv  the  business  state, 
c  Which  brought  me  here  so  very  late. 
c  Nvv  iyco  fyco  in  this  scroll 
c  Tovs  fjgaas  of  Commons  Hall ; 
c'Sl  xaxoi,  who  just  now  did  wage 
'  Tov  Ttohsfiov  with  woful  rage. 

*  Mrs.  Goff  was  formerly  a  cant  phrase  for  any  woman. 


22  THE   REBELLIAD. 

*  To  SsLTtvov  [iov,  (my  evening  diet,) 

c  I  lost  —  and  went  to  quell  the  riot ; 

4  Kai  pot  [lev  alvov  a%os  f}v 

^OcpOa^fjLOLs  ei'deiv  such  a  scene. 

'  To  ddnfios,  as  we  say  in  Greek, 

6  Would  scarcely  let  a  fellow  speak  ; 

'  Till  (3agv0T£vdxG)v  g  within, 

'  I  cried  TI2  nonoi,  how  much  sin ! ' 

He  ceas'd  :  Old  Bibo  scarcely  knew 

On  this  occasion  what  to  do. 

At  length,  he  thought  it  best  to  send 

For  Stkes,  his  oracle  and  friend ; 

Who,  having  come  and  heard  the  case, 

Put  on  a  very  thoughtful  face. 

Then  Pop  and  Bibo  took  their  chairs, 

And  plac'd  them  close  to  Dr.  Sikes's  :  * 

*  We  infer  from  our  correspondence  with  the  author,  that  the 
real  names  were  not  used  when  the  poem  was  delivered.  Cases 
will  occur  hereafter  where  they  are  required  by  the  rhyme  and 
metre. 


-,  magnumque  sub  imo 


Corde  premit  gemitum.  —  ^E.  x.  465. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  23 

They  sat  in  anxious  fear  and  hope. 

In  expectation  of  a —  "  scope  ;  ' 

For,  by  his  thoughtful  phiz,  they  knew 

He  had  a  "  gen'ral  scope  "  *  in  view. 

He  thought  and  thought,  full  half  an  hour, 

With  all  his  cogitative  power ; 

Then  with  sly,  though  sapient  look, 

His  glasses  from  their  case  he  took, 

And  straddled  them  across  his  nose, 

To  dignify  it,  I  suppose  : 

Then,  in  a  whisper,  thus  began  : h 

6  I've  hit  upon  a  cunning  plan, 

c  The  "  gen'ral  scope  "  of  which  will  show 

'  These  sinners  what  our  power  can  do. 

'  To-morrow  morning  let  us  meet, 

c  And  on  this  subject  fully  treat ; 

*  A  term  very  frequently  used  in  the  lectures  and  interroga- 
tories of  Dr.  Sikes.  It  is  related  that  the  oft-invoked  general  ap- 
peared one  morning,  to  the  great  merriment  of  the  students, 
stained  in  full  uniform  upon  the  wall  of  the  recitation  room ;  after 
which  his  character  gradually  fell  into  disrepute, 
h  .  sjc  orsus : 


24  THE   REBELLIAD. 

'  And  those  whose  crimes  are  very  great, 

'  Let  us  suspend  or  rusticate  ; 

c  The  others  let  us  only  fine 

'  Enough  to  buy  ten  pipes  of  wine/ 

He  said  :  when  Bibo  thus  exclaim' d  : 

'  That  's  you.  Old  Sikes,  the  scheme  you  've 

nam'd 

'  I  do  approve  with  all  my  heart, 
c  Especially  the  latter  part.' 
Pop  did  not  say  he  disapprov'd, 
But  answer 'd  as  the  spirit  mov'd  ; 
6  Joxia  IJLBV  it  would  be  best 
'  To  go  to  bed,  and  take  our  rest. 
c  If,  in  my  slumbers,  I  shall  dream 
'  Of  any  other  better  scheme, 
c  I  '11  surely  let  you  know.'     He  said  : 
And  each  retir'd  forthwith  to  bed. 
What  speeches  after  these  were  made 
In  CANTO  SECOND  are  display 'd.  % 


THE  REBELLIAD. 

CANTO   II. 


THE     ARGUME  NT. 


Government  Meeting.  —  Speech  of  Sikes.  —  Pop's  answer.  — 
Genealogy  of  Logic ;  his  speech.  —  Bibo  summons  the  culprits  to 
appear  in  his  august  presence  ;  suspends  three ;  his  speech  to  the 
rest.  — Nathan's  account  of  himself,  and  address  to  his  comrades. 

TIME  :  —  From  Monday  morning  to  noon. 

The  mistress  of  the  morn  got  up,* 

And  paid  a  visit  to  her  cup : 

Whose  all-refreshing  virtue  throws 

A  glaring  lustre  round  her  nose. 

A  rosy  beam  of  light  she  strode. 

And  straight  to  Pop's  apartment  rode : 

Directly  steering  to  his  couch, 

She  gave  his  head  a  gentle  touch. 

The  hoarse,  hard-sounding  Greek  within, 

Set  up  a  horrid  gritting  din ; 

*  Aurora  now  fair  daughter  of  the  dawn.  —  Pope's  Homer. 


26  THE   REBELLIAD. 

The  3  and  *P  pell  mell  flew  round, 
And  made  a  most  infernal  sound. 
A  noddle  made  of  common  stuff 
Would  soon  have  found  it  rather  tough ; 
But  as  for  Pop,  't  was  his  delight 
To  hear  it  morning,  noon,  and  night. 
But  to  return  :  the  gentle  tap 
Awoke  the  Doctor  from  his  nap. 
He  rose  and  dress' d  without  delay, 
(No  spouse  had  he  to  press  his  stay,) 
And  walk'd  abroad  to  take  the  air 
Until  the  time  for  morning  prayer. 

'T  was  Autumn  —  rather  out  of  season 
For  a  poetical  display 

Of  lovely  nature  :  That  's  the  reason 
Why  I  shall  have  no  more  to  say 

About  the  beauties  that  adorn, 
Oh  May  !  thy  glowing  breast, 

When  first  the  rhubarb-color'd  morn 
Comes  blushing  from  the  east. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  27 

In  fine,  the  doctor  took  a  stroll 
In  silent  meditation  ; 

And,  when  he  heard  the  prayer  bell  toll, 

He  ceas'd  his  ambulation. 
The  duties  of  his  station  done, 
To  Bibo's  study  straight  he  run. 
<  KvSidie,  mighty  President !  !  ! 
c  Kahcopev  vvv  the  Government.' 
Then  Bibo  kick'd  his  carpet  thrice  ; 
Which  brought  his  Freshman  in  a  trice. 
'  You  little  rascal !  go  and  call 
4  The  persons  mention' d  in  this  scroll.' 
The  fellow  hearing  scarcely  feels 
The  ground,  so  quickly  fly  his  heels. 
Now,  having  all,  with  one  accord, 
Obey'd  the  summons  of  their  lord, 
As  usual,  in  a  great  debate, 
Lord  Bibo  took  the  chair  of  state : 
In  all  the  gravity  of  fat 
And  lazy  dignity  he  sat. 


28  THE   REBELLIAD. 

With  phiz  majestic  as  you  please, 
(Yet  still  he  seem'd  at  perfect  ease) 
Upon  his  chair  sublimely  loll'd, 
And  thus  on  Sikes  for  counsel  call'd : 
c  First  your  opinion  you  '11  declare, 

c  Si  placet  tibi Doctor  Sikes.' 

The  Doctor  fix'd  his  glasses  on. 
And  look'd  as  wise  as  Solomon  ; 
Then  queerly  peeping  round  on  each, 
He  thus  sent  forth  his  parts  of  speech  : 
'  The  "  scope  "  of  what  I  have  to  state, 
'  Is  to  suspend  and  rusticate  ; 
'  And,  as  I  said  last  night,  to  fine 
'  Enough  to  buy  ten  pipes  of  wine.' 
He  said  :   Old  Pop  his  eye-balls  roll'd, 
To  see  if  any  would  make  bold 
To  answer  :   Seeing  none,  he  rose, 
And  with  his  coat-sleeve  wip'd  his  nose  ; 
Then  slowly  he  began  to  speak 
His  sentiments  in  purest  Greek  : 


THE   KEBELLIAD.  29 

El  vvv,  quoth  he,  I  might  advise 
c  Kal  I/A^V  ngiGiv  exercise, 
'  I  should  (impstife)  opine 
<  We  had  not  better  even  fine  ; 
c  Pag  [i£v  (pihica  nagd  nav 
6  That  golden  rule,  ^Sev  ayav.' 
He  ceas'd,  but  scarce  had  gain'd  his  seat 
When  Logic  got  upon  his  feet. 
But  what  he  said  you  '11  hear  in  time, 
If  Logic  will  descend  to  rhyme. 
With  truly  philosophic  heat, 
An  iron  anvil  once  he  beat ; 
But  Daddy  thought  he  was  not  made 
To  rust  at  such  a  humble  trade ; 
So  sent  his  hopeful  son  to  College, 
(This  line  of  course  must  end  with  knowledge) 
To  blow  his  genius,  and  set  fire  on 
A  better  anvil  than  cold  ir-on. 
Now  Master  of  the  Arts,  this  youth 
Began  to  hammer  one  of  truth. 


30  THE   REBELLIAD. 

In  fine,  he  was  a  blacksmith  once, 
And  thence  turn'd  metaphysic  dunce. 
The  goosequill,  which  he  likewise  took, 
In  twenty  years  produced  a  —  Book  ;  * 
Yet  so  diminutive  in  size, 

'T  is  scarcely  worth  a  d n  your  eyes. 

But,  'mid  the  blazes  of  his  pen, 

He  ne'er  forgot  his  —  ten-pound-ten  ; 

For,  in  all  logical  debates, 

His  lungs  as  bellows  he  inflates  ; 

And  with  high  sounding  words  doth  puff 

Till  argument  grow  hot  enough  ; 

Then  beats  his  hands  with  so  much  force, 

You  'd  think  he  meant  to  shoe  a  horse. 

But  now  ?t  is  time  to  turn  about, 

And  hear  this  son  of  Vulcan  spout : 

c  I  think  what  brother  Sikes  has  said, 

'  Has  hit  the  nail  upon  the  head. 

c  Ten  pipes  of  wine,  in  these  hard  times, 

'  Are  seldom  got  for  scholars'  crimes  ; 

*  Hedge's  Logic. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  31 

c  For  times  ar'nt  as  they  us'd  to  was, 

c  For  this  plain  reason  :  hem  !  because.' 

He  said  :  They  could  not  but  assent 

To  such  a  knock-down  argument. 

Wherefore  Lord  Bibo  sent  for  all 

Of  those  who  fought  in  Commons  Hall ; 

Who  to  his  study  quick  repair 

And  knock.    '  Come  in/    c  Sir,  here  we  are/ 

c  So  I  perceive  ;   and  wish  to  know 

c  What  set  you  all  a-fighting  so  ; 

c  You  have  committed  an  offence, 

c  And  now  must  take  the  consequence. 

<  Here  is  the  law.     All  those  who  fight, 

c  Especially  on  Sunday  night, 

c  Into  the  country  shall  be  sent, 

'  By  these  our  noble  government. 

c  Now,  since  you  are  so  many,  we 

c  Shall  rusticate  but  two  or  three, 

'  And  fine  the  rest  a  heavy  sum, 

c  To  make  you  mind  for  times  to  come. 


32  THE   REBELLIAD. 

'  So  Corbett,  King,  and  Pratt,*  come  near ; 

<  You  were  the  leaders,  as  I  hear : 

<  Come,  take  these  three  suspension  papers  ; 

6  They  '11  teach  you  how  to  cut  such  capers/ 

He  said  :  then  turning  to  the  rest, 

Each  one  and  all  he  thus  address' d  : 

c  And  so  you  fought ;  and  do  you  think, 

c  At  such  behavior  I  shall  wink ! 

6  No  :  should  I  pass  such  conduct  by, 

6  Our  Treasurer  would  almost  die  ; 

'  We  all  should  lose  our  good  repute, 

'  And  I,  my  perquisites  to  boot. 

*  Or  did  ye  think  the  laws  were  made 

*  On  purpose  to  be  disobey'd, 
'  Whenever  ye  see  fit  to  box, 

c  And  treat  each  other  with  dry  knocks  ! 

c  Did  I  not  jaw  the  Government, 

4  For  cheating  more  than  ten  per  cent ; 

*  All  of  the  Sophomore  class.     The  Freshmen  were  regarded 
as  having  acted  on  the  defensive. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  33 

c  And  did  I  not  at  Cookum  rage, 
6  For  cooking  sheep  that  died  of  age  ; 
'  And  would  ye  thus  repay  my  care, 
'  By  "  breaking  of  the  crock'ry  ware  !  " 
c  Did  I  not  promise  those  who  fish'd 
4  And  pimp'd  most  any  part  they  wish'd  ; 
*  And  would  ye  thus  reward  my  pains, 
c  By  knocking  out  each  other's  brains  ! 
c  I  say  ye  are  a  stubborn  crew, 
'  And  admonitions  will  not  do  ; 
c  You  must  be  fin'd  a  heavy  sum, 
c  To  make  you  mind  for  time  to  come.' 
He  ceas'd  :  then  told  them  to  depart ; 
Which  they  obey'd  with  willing  heart ; 
But,  when  they  got  to  College  Yard, 
With  one  accord  they  all  huzza' d. 
Then  Nathan,  who  was  much  inclin'd 
To  make  a  boast  of  being  fin'd, 
With  graceful  declamation  flung 
These  modest  accents  from  his  tongue : 


34  THE   REBELLIAD. 

c  My  name  is  Nathan  !    In  a  Southern  State, 
c  My  mother  brought  me  forth  ;   a  tidy  dame, 

<  Whose  constant  cares  were  at  her  ease  to 

live, 

6  And  keep  her  darling  son,  myself,  at  school. 
6  But  I  had  heard  of  College,  and  I  long'd 
c  To  cut  some  caper  there  of  worthy  note  ; 

<  And  chance  has  granted  what  the  laws  forbid. 
'  The  bell  which  rung  last  night  to  call  us  forth 
'  To  supper,   scarce  had  ceas'd  its  jingling 

sound 

'  When  I  discharg'd  a  piece  of  bread,  and  hit 
'  Abijah  on  his  lousy  cranium. 
c  The  foe  enrag'd,  advancing  with  his  friends, 
c  fcommenc'd  the  fearful  onset.     I  alone, 
c  With  cups  and  saucers,  plates  and  tea-pots, 

arm'd, 
'  Withstood  the  host ;    and,  ere  a  dish  was 

thrown, 
'  A  kick  from  my  great  toe  overthrew  their 

chief; 


THE   BEBELLIAD.  35 

'  Who  wore  that  night  the  Hat  which  now  I 

wear. 
'  But  quick  his  chum  with  mighty  vengeance 

flung 

6  A  wash-bowl  plump  against  my  noddle ;  but, 
c  Thanks  to  its  thickness,  did  not  fracture  it ; 
c  For  if  he  had,  I  should  not  now  be  here 
e  To  tell  how  valiantly  I  battPd  it. 
c  Heroic  comrades  !  how  shall  I 
'  Do  justice  to  your  chivalry  ! 
c  The  glory  of  your  skill  in  fight, 
c  Will  last  as  long  as  day  and  night ; 
c  You  '11  be  belov'd,  for  years  to  come, 
c  By  half  the  girls  in  Christendom  ; 
c  For,  when  they  hear  the  tale  of  woe, 
c  Of  being  pummelPd  by  the  foe, 
4  Oh  !  how  they  '11  mourn  and  sympathize, 
'  And  pump  the  water  from  their  eyes  ! 
c  And  then,  again,  when  you  do  tell 
'  How  many  by  your  valor  fell, 


36  THE   REBELLIAD. 

4  They  '11  praise  your  courage  to  the  skies, 

c  And  almost  burst  themselves  with  sighs. 

c  Then  talk  of  love  ;  a  subject  which 

c  Will  make  most  any  woman  itch  — 

'  Alas  !  my  words  will  scarce  convey 

c  One  half  of  what  I  wish  to  say. 

c  But  who,  for  pleasure  so  divine, 

6  Would  murmur  at  a  paltry  fine  ?  ' 

He  said  :  with  shouts  the  College  rung, 

As  the  sounds  melted  from  his  tongue. 

Events  which  afterwards  occurr'd 

You  '11  find  display'd  in  CANTO  THIRD. 


THE  REBELLIAP. 

CANTO    III. 


THE      ARGUMENT. 


Bad  Treatment  of  Touchy  :  his  choler ;  and  the  metamorphosis 
occasioned  by  it ;  he  frightens  Bibo.  —  Two  more  suspensions ;  in 
consequence  of  which  the  Sophomores  rebel.  —  The  harp.  —  The 
dance.  —  Speech  of  Nathan.  —  Episode  containing  two  songs. 

TIME  :  —  From  Monday  noon  to  night. 

To  Commons  Hall,  these  lusty  sinners 
Did  now  repair  to  eat  their  dinners. 
And  made  a  more  confounded  rout, 
Than  if  all  Bedlam  had  broke  out. 
Then  Touchy  rose,  in  woful  anger, 
To  see  if  he  could  stop  the  clangor ; 
But,  in  a  manner  quite  uncivil, 
They  hiss'd  and  scrap' d  him  like  the  Devil. 
This  added  fuel  to  his  wrath, 
As  pepper  does  to  mutton  broth. 


38  THE   REBELLIAD. 

The  culprits  trembled a  at  his  look,b 
And  ev'ry  joint  within  them  shook  : 
To  such  a  height  their  terrors  grew. 
They  even  thought  his  breath  was  blue. 
Some  say,  the  lightning  of  his  ire c 
Envelop' d  all  his  face  in  fire. 
As  this  was  not  the  case,  we  '11  make 
It  plain  how  they  did  thus  mistake. 
His  snout  resembles,  in  its  hue, 
A  red-hot  poker  to  the  view ; 
And  now  the  Brandy,  I  suppose, 
Did  sparkle  brightly  on  his  nose  ; 
Which  they  mistook  to  be  a  flame 
Of  real  fire  upon  the  same. 
Now  was  a  fearful,  awful  pause ; 
When  op'ning  wide  his  lanthorn  jaws, 
These  words  rumbled  from  his  belly  : 
<  Ye  shall  repent  of  this,  I  tell  ye  ! ' 


Cecidere  animi.  —  M.  iii.  260. 


b  Monstrum,  horrendum,  informe,  ingens.  —  ^E.  iii.  658. 
e  Gravis  ira  et.  —  JE.  v.  781. 


THE   KEBELLIAD. 

Then  out  he  rush'd,  to  Bibo  went, 

And  to  his  fury  thus  gave  vent : 

'  I  swear,  by  all  the  powers  d  above, 

c  By  all  the  liquors  that  I  love, 

'  By  Jingo,  Beelzebub,  and  Judas, 

c  I  will  not  bear  such  d—  — d  foul  ludus.' 

While  thus  he  rav'd  in  sore  surprise, 

Lord  Bibo  rose  and  rubb'd  his  eyes  ; 

For  he  (a  thing  not  very  rare) 

A  nap  was  taking  in  his  chair ; 

And,  when  he  saw  the  sight  before  him, 

He  thought  't  was  Satan  come  to  bore  him. 

'T  is  said  he  was  in  such  a  fright, 

That  ev'ry  hair6  did  stand  upright ; 

His  teeth  did  chatter  ;   and  his  knees 

Did  rattle  like  his  bunch  of  keys. 

But  what  was  worse,  his  faithless  breath 

Forsook  the  bulwark  of  his  teeth, 

d  Numma  magna  vocat.  —  JE.  iii.  264. 

8  Arrectaeque  horrore  comae.  —  JE.  iv,  280. 


40  THE   REBELLIAD. 


rather  seem'd  inclined  to  send 
His  parts  of  speech  from  t'other  end/ 
Then  Touchy  rais'd  his  voice  on  high, 
And  at  the  gaping  wight  let  fly  : 
c  'T  is  well  you  are  the  President 
'  Of  Harvard  College  Government  ; 
c  Or  else,  you  would  ere  now  have  had 
6  A  visit  from  my  -  magnum  ad. 
4  You  sleepy  coward,  don't  you  see, 

<  That  I  am  no  one  else  but  me  ? 
6  1  tell  you  I  've  been  vilely  us'd 
'  And  most  infernally  abus'd  : 

c  And,  if  you  don't  revenge  my  cause 
'  With  all  the  vigor  of  the  laws, 

<  I  swear  by  Hadley,  and  by  Cain, 

'  You  ne'er  shall  taste  my  wine  again/ 
He  said  :  Lord  Bibo  scarce  believ'd 
He  could  have  been  so  much  deceiv'd. 

<  How  glad  I  am  to  get  off  thus, 

*  And  that  the  matter  is  no  worse. 


•  Magno  discordes  sethere  venti 


Proelia  ceu  tollunt.  —  JE.  x.  356. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  41 

c  Now  if  you  will  devoutly  swear 

c  You  will  not  mention  this  affair, 

c  I  promise,  in  return,  to  do 

c  Exactly  as  you  wish  me  to. 

c  You  gave  me  such  a  sudden  start 

c  I  could  not  help  but  ***  *  ****  ; 

c  For  wind  will  always  find  a  vent 

c  When  in  too  small  a  compass  pent : 

c  Especially  when  frequent  use 

'  Has  made  the  sphincter  rather  loose/ 

Sir  Touchy,  glad  to  do  so  well, 

Devoutly  swore  he  would  not  tell  : 

'  In  recompense,  I  do  insist,' 

Quoth  he,  c  that  two,  who  scrap'd  and  hiss'd, 

c  Shall  be  condemn' d  without  a  jury 

6  To  pass  the  winter  months  in  rure.' 

Lord  Bibo  to  the  thing  agreed, 

And  sent  his  Freshman  off  full  speed, 

To  summon  Manigault  and  Gorham  * 

To  take  their  profiles  to  the  forum. 

*  Sophomores. 


42  THE   REBELLIAD. 

Meanwhile,  their  dinners  being  ended, 
The  fellows  who  had  been  suspended, 
With  stylish  equipage,  prepare 
To  snuff  the  bracing  country  air. 
Their  comrades,  in  the  usual  mode, 
Had  all  assembled  near  the  road, 
When  King  appear 'd  :  his  mettled  steed 
('T  was  one  he  hir'd  of  Jimmy  Read) 
Bore  off  the  chaise  with  Pythian  speed  ; 
And  when  he  got  to  College  Yard, 
His  waiting  comrades  all  huzza'd, 
And  strain' d  their  lungs  with  all  their  might 
Until  the  chaise  was  out  of  sight. 
Then  Pratt  and  Corbett  *  both  rode  by, 
Amidst  a  dreadful  hue  and  cry. 
Their  fiery  courser  scour'd  the  plain, 
And  scarce  obey'd  the  curbing  rein ; 
And,  flying  like  a  mighty  wind,s 
Soon  left  the  noisy  chaps  behind. 

*  Sophomores. 

s  vel  equo  praevertere  ventos.  —  jE.  xii.  345. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  43 

The  farewell  clamors  of  the  crowd 
Through  Harvard's  Halls  were  echoing  loud. 
When  full  before  th'  assembled  crew. 
Lord  Bibo's  Freshman  hove  in  view. 
With  vast  importance,  straight  he  took 
A  paper  from  his  pocketbook  ; 
And,  standing  high  upon  the  wall, 
Roar'd  out  as  loud  as  he  could  bawl : 
'  Thus  says  your  lord  the  President : 
'  Whereas,  for  some  perverse  intent, 
6  Sir  Touchy  has  been  vilely  us'd, 
'  And  most  infernally  abus'd  ; 

<  Moreover,  as  it  doth  appear, 

6  From  evidence  both  good  and  clear, 
6  That  Manigault  did  scrape  and  hiss, 

*  And  otherwise  behave  amiss, 

*  And  Gorham,  likewise,  did  the  same 
4  Without  a  proper  sense  of  shame  ; 

4 1  hereby  notify  them  both, 

<  That,  by  my  honor  and  my  troth, 


44  THE   REBELLIAD. 

'  They  shall  receive  due  punishment 

<  From  Harvard  College  Government ; 

<  O'er  which,  with  such  majestic  pride/ 
'  I  have  the  honor  to  preside  : 

c  So,  therefore,  let  them  both  appear, 

c  And  suffer  as  I  threaten  here.' 

Now,  when  they  heard  the  stern  command, 

They  took  each  other  by  the  hand, 

And  bravely  went  to  meet  their  fate ; 

Their  comrades  waiting  at  the  gate. 

Arriving  at  Lord  Bibo's  study, 

They  thought  they  'd  be  a  little  bloody  :  * 

So,  with  a  bold,  presumptuous  look, 

An  honest  pinch  of  snuff  they  took. 

Hereat  Lord  Bibo  was  dismay'd, 

And  thought  his  case  had  been  betray'd  ; 

For  he  conceiv'd  they  took  the  snuff, 

(And  with  some  reason  sure  enough,) 

To  drive  away  the  pungent  fume, 

That  filPd  the  contents  of  the  room.f 

*  Formerly  a  College  term  for  daring,  rowdy,  impudent, 
f  Vid.  p.  40.  1. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  45 

So  opening  wide  his  mutton  chops, 
This  speech  therefrom  directly  hops  : 
'  I  '11  tell  you  what :  your  crime  is  this, 
c  That  Touchy  you  did  scrape  and  hiss  ; 
c  And,  as  your  guilt  doth  plain  appear 
c  From  evidence  both  good  and  clear, 
c  By  my  official  power,  I  swear, 
c  That  you  shall  smell  the  country  air.' 
He  said  :  in  vengeance  shook  his  pate, 
And  gave  the  bills  that  seal'd  their  fate ; 
Which  they  receiving,  forthwith  went 
And  told  their  comrades  the  event. 
Then  Nathan  rose,  (now  you  must  know 
That  he  was  chum  to  Manigault,) 
And  roar'd  as  loud  as  he  could  yell, 
c  Come  on,  my  lads,  let  us  rebel ! ' 
As  when,  upon  a  rainy  day, 
A  person  takes  some  straw  or  hay 
To  burn  a  chimney,  that  has  been 
For  some  months  foul,  say  nine  or  ten, 


46  THE   REBELLIAD. 

He  puts  it  on  the  fire,  when  high 
The  blaze  doth  up  the  chimney  fly  ; 
Just  so  the  magic  of  the  sound 
Shot  sympathetic  fire  around. 
With  one  accord  they  all  agree 
To  dance  around  Rebellion  Tree. 

O  Orpheus  !  *  boast  thy  moving  strains  no 

more ; 

Let  thy  New-Holland  Fiddle  be  unstrung  : 
Such  touching,  moving  strains,  were  never 
sung, 

By  harpers  blind,  or  fiddlers  drunk,  before. 
For  hark  !  the  Harp  of  Charley  Wallis  f 
Breathes  its  sweet  harmony  from  Hollis. 
Inspired  with  ecstasy  of  feeling, 
Each  pig  in  town  sets  up  a  squealing  : 

*  Thus  Poets  tell  us  how  one  Mr.  Orpheus 
Led'  a  rude  forest  to  a  country  dance,  and 
Played  the  brisk  tune  of  Yankee  Doodle  on  a 
New  Holland  Fiddle.  —  Old  Ballad. 

f  A  small  boy  who  used  to  play  on  the  jews-harp  and  dance  a 
hornpipe  for  two  cents,  cash  down. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  47 

The  Goodies  hearing,  cease  to  sweep, 
And  listen  ;   while  the  Cook-maids  weep  : 
The  Juniors  scarce  can  stay  their  feet h 
From  beating  time  to  tones  so  sweet ; 
And  sneaking  Freshmen  stare  and  gape, 
As  if  they  meant  to  eat  the  Harp. 
But  oh  !  the  Sophs  !  their  frantic  yells 
Were  louder,  far,  than  lecture  bells. 
They  form'd  a  ring  about  the  Tree, 
And  to  this  solemn  oath  agree  : 
'  By  this  Almighty  Plant,  we  swear ! 
'  We  will  not  flinch  a  single  hair 
4  Until  the  laws  of  College  rot, 
'  And  Government  is  sent  to  pot.' 
This  done,  they  each  one  seiz'd  a  twig, 
The  garland  of  the  Rebel  Jig. 
Now  round  the  furious  dance  begins,1 
With  no  slight  damage  to  their  shins. 

h  And  the  black  fiddler  play'd  them  such  a  tune  as 
Set  them  all  a  frisking.  —  Old  Ballad. 

1 Nunc  pede  libero  1 

Pulsanda  tellus.  —  Hor.  Carm.  L.  1.  xxxvii.  1. 


48  THE   REBELLIAD. 

Those  measur'd  steps  by  masters  taught. 
Were  altogether  set  at  naught. 
Pell-mell  they  flew  without  regard 
To  kicks  and  cuffs,  however  hard. 
Helter  skelter,  harrum  scarum, 
Naught  but  death  could  now  debar  'em. 
They  beat  the  ground j  an  hour  or  more 
With  Blows  it  never  felt  before ; 
Till  tir'd,  at  last,  they  thought  it  best 
To  stop  awhile,  and  take  some  rest. 
Now  solemn  silence  k  reign' d  throughout, 
When  Nathan  thus  began  to  spout : 
c  Beloved  friends,  and  comrades  dear ! 
'  I  pray  you  lend  a  list'ning  ear 
<  To  what  I  now  propose  to  say 
c  Upon  the  subject  of  the  day. 
'  In  times  of  yore,  we  understand, 
c  When  rulers  got  the  upper  hand, 

j  Alterno  terram  quatiunt  pede.  —  Hor.  Carm.  L.  1.  iv.  7. 
k  Conticuere  omnes  intentique  ora  tenebant.  —  ^E.  ii.  1. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  49 

'  And  plied  the  people  hard  with  cuffings, 

6  Like  packs  of  greasy  ragamuffins, 

c  The  people  us'd  to  turn  about, 

c  And  knock  the  rulers'  daylights  out : 

c  So  we  will  stop  in  mid  career 

c  Our  pedagogues  who  domineer ; 

6  And  not  recede  a  single  jot, 

c  Till  Government  is  sent  to  pot.1 

c  Then  will  the  College  have  its  name 

c  Enrolled  upon  the  lists  of  fame, 

c  And  flourish,  like  a  green  bay  ass, 

'  High  fed  upon  his  native  grass. * 

c  See  your  banner  proudly  flying 
c  O'er  the  dread  carnage  made  in  Commons 
Hall! 

c  There  behold  it,  still  defying 

*  "  Dead  and  yellow  was  the  grass  in  College  Yard,  when  Hig- 
ginson  arose :  like  a  Phoenix  arose  he  from  the  ashes  of  Gannett. 
He  ambulated  through  the  Yard  :  —  he  carried  his  cane :  —  he  wore 
breeches  :  —  he  brushed  the  dust  from  the  withered  herbage,  and 
high  grass  sprang  up  wheresoever  he  set  his  foot."  —  Ossian. 

1  Pot-um  pastas  age  capellas. 


50  THE   REBELLIAD. 

6  The  Freshman's  rage  and  rude  oppression's 

squall. 

c  The  spirits  of  the  brave, 
'O'er  whom  it  long  shall  wave, 
'  Seem  whisp'ring  from  their  grave, 
<  "  You  stand  united,  but  divided  fall."  ' 
He  said  :  then  look'd  around,  mayhap, 
To  see  if  some  one  would  not  clap ; 
But  seeing  none,  he  thus  resum'd : 
'  My  friends,  it  must  not  be  presum'd, 
'  That  we  can  lay  our  tyrants  low, 
'  Without  a  most  infernal  blow. 
'  Now,  as  it  is  so  very  late 
'  That  nothing  can  be  done  of  weight, 
c  I  move  we  quietly  repose, 
c  While  shades  of  night  around  us  close ; 
c  But  soon  as  "  Sol  has  wash'd  his  face, 
c  And  greas'd  his  wheels  to  run  his  race," 
c  Then  will  we  bravely  fight  the  laws, 
'  Until  they  sink  beneath  our  cause. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  51 

'  Or,  should  you  like  it  better,  I 

'  Will  go  to  Warland's  bye  and  bye. 

6  For  Brandy,  Wine,  Cigars,  and  Cherry, 

'  And  all  things  that  are  necessary 

*  To  render  us  "  particularly  merry." 

He  ceas'd :  with  shouts  his  speech  was  heard ; 

The  latter  method  was  preferred. 


THE  TREAT,   AN  EPISODE. 

'T  was  evening  ;   and  the  blue  mist,  flowing 
Majestic  from  the  foaming  main, 

Uncurl' d  its  rising  train  ; 
Through   whose   light   folds   sweet   Cynthia 

glowing, 
With  softest  tints  of  silver  dress'd 

The  bosom  of  the  west. 
The  Sophs,  beneath  Rebellion  Tree, 
Were  blowing  it  right  merrily. 


52  THE  REBELLIAD. 

'The  wine  was  good  ;  the  noise  was  great. 

And  all  were  in  a  merry  state. 

The  soul  of  Nathan  straight  was  fir'd ; 

His  lips  with  music  were  inspir'd ; 

And  melody  was  on  his  tongue, 

As  thus  in  strains  sublime  he  sung  : 

SONG  I. 

NATHAN'S  ADDRESS  TO  THE  REBELS. 
I. 

Sophs  wha'  ha'  in  Commons  fed ! 
Sophs  wha'  ha'  in  Commons  bled  ! 
Sophs  wha'  ne'er  from  Commons  fled ! 
Puddings,  steaks,  or  wines  ! 

II. 

Now 's  the  day  and  now  's  the  hour : 
See  approach  old  Sikes's  power ! 
See  the  front  of  Logic  tower ! 

Screws,  dead  sets,  and  fines  ! 


THE   REBELLIAD.  53 

III. 

Who  would  let  a  Tutor  knave 
Screw  him  like  a  Guinea  slave ! 
Who  would  Jish  a  fine  to  save  ! 
Let  him  turn  and  flee. 

IV. 

Who  will  recitations  miss  ! 
Who  will  bully,  scrape,  and  hiss ! 
Who,  I  say,  will  do  all  this ! 
Let  him  follow  me. 

v. 

By  the  shins  of  Doctor  Pop ! 
By  this  wine  from  Warland's  shop ! 
We  will  drain  it  to  a  drop ! 
But  we  will  be  free. 

VI. 

Let  your  glasses  overflow ; 
Drink  the  health  of  Manigault ; 
c  Liberty  '&  in  ev'ry  blow ;  ' 
Let  us  do  or  die ! 


54  THE   REBELLIAD. 

He  ceas'd  :  huzzas  and  hats  arise 

Both  simultaneous  to  the  skies  : 

Ne'er  was  there  such  a  noise  before, 

For  fifteen  minutes,  or  for  more. 

Then  Caleb  felt  a  genial  glee, 

And  tun'd  his  pipes  harmoniously, 

The  Words  came  gulping  through  his  fat, 

As  if  he  just  had  swallow'd 
A  camel,  or  at  least,  a  gnat, 

Which  in  his  belly  wallow' d. 

SONG  II. 

AIR,   WREATHS   FOR   THE   CHIEFTAIN. 
I. 

Wreaths  to  the  Chiefs,  who  our  rights  have 

defended ; 

Hallow' d  and  bless' d  be  the  Liberty  Tree  ; 
Where  Lenox*  his  pies,  'neath  its  shelter, 

hath  vended, 

We  Sophs  have  assembled,  and  sworn  to 
be  free. 

*  Black  man  who  sold  pies  and  cakes. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  55 

Sons  of  the  rebel  race ! 

Never  your  names  disgrace ; 
Ne'er  may  your  garland  be  crush'd  by  your 
foes. 

When  Wallis  strikes  the  tune. 

Shuffle  it,  and  rigadoon, 
As  if  the  Old  Nick  had  bedevil'd  your  toes. 

II. 
Remember  your  deeds  when  the  conflict  was 

pending, 
The  bruises,  the  kicks,  and  the  cuffs  that 

you  gave : 

Remember  the  cries  of  the  wounded  ascend- 
ing* 
As  grunting  and  sprawling  they  lay  on  their 

grave. 

Bloody  shins  and  broken  pates, 
Coffee-cups  and  butter-plates, 
Yells,  screams,  and  milk-pots,  all  chequer  the 

fray ! 


56  THE   REBELLIAD. 

Still  is  the  Freshman's  moan  ;* 
Silent  the  Grecian's  f  groan  ; 
Drown'd  in  the  racket  and  noise  of  the  day. 

The  Sophs  thus  pass'd  the  time  along. 
With  shouting,  blowing,  and  with  song, 
Until  my  Muse  put  on  her  cap, 
And  went  to  bed  to  take  a  nap. 
Now,  if  you  only  will  proceed 
With  patience  CANTO  FOURTH  to  read, 
You  '11  find  recorded  deeds  too  bold 
For  the  tail  end  of  this  to  hold. 

*  A  Freshman,  during  his  first  term,  is  an  object  of  reproach 
though  your  friend.  Hostilities  between  the  Sophomore  and  Fresh- 
man classes  ceased  with  the  battle  in  Commons,  and  both  united 
to  oppose  the  first  action  of  the  College  Government  relative  to  it. 

f  Pop's, 


THE  EEBELLIAD. 

CANTO    IV. 


THE     ARGUME  NT. 


Nathan's  speech.  —  Doctor  Pop  makes  an  unsuccessful  attempt 
to  drive  the  Sophs  to  their  rooms.  —  Government  meeting.  —  Mrs. 
Logic's  eloquence.  —  Screwem.  —  Pop.  —  Gin.  —  The  Goody.  — 
An  Episode.  — The  Spy's  retreat.  —  Riot  Act.  —  The  Sophs  leave 
College.  —  The  Canto  ends  with  their  return. 

TIME  :  —  From  Tuesday  morning  to  night. 

The  Sun,  as  if  asham'd  to  rise, 
Had  put  a  veil  before  his  eyes, 
And  cloth' d  his  visage  with  a  scowl ; 
In  other  words,  the  morn  was  foul, 
When  yawning  Sophs  their  beds  forsook, 
And  more  decisive  measures  took. 
As  soon  as  breakfasting  was  o'er, 
They  all  collect  round  Commons  door ; 
When  Nathan  rose  above  the  rest, 
And  thus  the  rebel  crew  address' d  : 


58  THE   REBELLIAD. 

<  If  we  our  tyrants  would  subdue, 

*  We  must  some  other  course  pursue. 

c  So  let  us  all  devoutly  swear 

c  We  '11  not  attend  another  prayer  — 

c  "  We  swear.    Huzza  !  Huzza  ! !  Huzza  ! ! !" 

c  And  with  our  tutors  be  at  war. 

c  At  ev'ry  corner  let  us  hiss  'em  ; 

6  And  as  for  recitations miss  'em  ; 

'  And  should  the  Government  expel 

c  A  single  soul  that  dares  rebel, 

c  With  "  birches  "  we  will  baste  their  hides, 

c  And  "  tar  and  feather  "  them  besides. 

c  I  '11  bravely  follow  Glory's  call ; 

c  And,  should  it  be  my  lot  to  fall, 

c  I  '11  bellow  with  my  latest  breath, 

c  "  Oh  !  give  me  Liberty  or  Death." 

He  said  :  with  acclamatious  loud, 

His  speech  was  greeted  by  the  crowd ; 

Their  yells  resound  from  pole  to  pole, 

And  hats  around  their  noddles  roll 


THE   REBELLIAD.  59 

At  each  applauding  shout.     The  cheers 
Saluted  Pop's  devoted  ears.a 
The  Doctor's  nerves  began  to  twitch, 
As  if  he  'd  seen  a  '  Lapland  Witch.' 
He  sallied  with  reluctance  sore  ; 
His  phiz  a  fathom  long  or  more ; 
His  mouth  wide  open  ;  and  his  eyes, 
Full  twenty  times  their  common  size. 
As  when  a  farmer's  pigs  break  loose, 
And  round  the  turnip  garden  cruise, 
They  squeal  and  grunt,  in  '  astute  style,' 
Like  Mr.  Kemble,  all  the  while  ; 
But  when  the  farmer's  wife  perceives 
The  turnips  plunder 'd  by  the  thieves, 
She  takes  a  broomstick  in  her  hand, 
To  drive  them  from  the  Holy  Land ; 
While  they  run  here  and  there,  yet  still 
Stick  by,  resolv'd  their  guts  to  fill  ; 

a  cum  clamor  ad  aures 

Pervenit.  —  •  M.  ix.  395. 


60  THE   REBELLIAD. 

Just  so  the  Sophs  the  Doctor  bother, 
First  steering  one  way,  then  the  other  ; 
He  follow'd  closely  at  their  bums, 
Resolv'd  to  drive  them  to  their  rooms  ; 
But  they,  Rebellious  Rascals  !  flee 
For  shelter  to  Rebellion  Tree  ; 
And  there  with  one  accord  they  stop, 
And  vow  they  '11  stay  in  spite  of  Pop. 
Now  when  he  found  it  labor  lost, 
To  try  to  drive  them  from  their  post, 
He  to  the  Council  Hall  did  sneak, 
Muttering  all  the  way  in  Greek. 
He  found  already  muster'd  there 
Lord  Bibo,  Touchy,  Screwem,  Ware, 
Gad  Norton,  Willard,  Logic,  Sparks, 
And  all  the  other  College  sharks. 
Lord  Bibo,  scratching  first  his  pate, 
Thus  sagely  open'd  the  debate  : 
6  If  any  counsellor  can  shew 
6  The  method  we  had  best  pursue 


THE   REBELLIAD.  61 

c  To  quell  these  rebels,  let  him  do  it ; 

6  And  I  will  certainly  pursue  it. 

c  Before,  however,  we  begin, 

6  Let 's  take  a  glass  of  Holland  Gin, 

c  By  way  of  moistening  our  clay, 

'  And  thinking  clearly  what  to  say.' 

Then  Logic  started  from  his  breech, 

And  thus  evolv'd  his  parts  of  speech  : 

6  To  this  assembly  I  '11  allege 

6  The  arguments  of  Mrs.  Logic  ;b 

c  Whom  I  consulted  while  abed, 

c  Upon  this  all-important  head. 

c  Dear  soul !  how  ready  to  assist  me  ! ' 

c  "  My  dear,"  quoth  she,  and  then  she  kiss'd 

me, 

c  "  You  know  I  am  a  faithful  wife, 
'  And  love  you  as  I  do  my  life ; 
'  So,  therefore,  hearken  you,  I  pray, 
c  To  what  your  loving  wife  shall  say. 

b  Logic  non  convenit :  corrige,  lector. 


62  THE   REBELLIAD. 

f  If  any  of  this  Rebel  crew 

'  Has  twice  as  many  brains  as  you, 

'  Or,  are  there  some  who  scrape  and  hiss 

c  Because  you  never  give  a  miss, 

c  You  could  not  have  a  better  time 

c  To  rusticate  them  for  the  crime." 

'  Thus  spake  my  wife, *  and  I  should  say 

*  You  could  not  do  a  better  way, 

c  Than  to  suspend  and  rusticate 

e  Whomever  you  have  cause  to  hate/ 

Thus  ends  this  mighty  speech  of  speeches ; 

And  Logic  fairly  lost  his  breeches  ; 

Although,  it  seems,  for  them  he  got 

A  pair  of  horns  and  petticoat. 

Then  Screwem  rose,  and,  with  a  bow, 

Shook  demonstration  from  his  brow. 

<  Most  noble  peers'  Stop  !  while  I  think 

on  't, 
I  '11  give  you  a  description  of  the  man ; 

*  Frequent  reference  to  his  wife's  opinions  is  said  to  have  been 
one  of  Logic's  many  peculiarities. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  63 

But,  not  to  throw  away  much  ink  on  't, 
I '  11  be  as  brief  and  modest  as  I  can. 
In  nature  he  is  more  profound, 
Than  all  the  naturals  around. 
His  eye  intuitively  can  trace 
The  void  infinities  of  space  ; 
He  knows  how  fast  a  man  would  ride, 
A  comet's  fiery  tail  astride. 
In  mathematic  learning,  too, 
He  is  excell'd  by  none,  or  few ; 
He  ciphered  Vulgar  Fractions  through. 
And  overcame  the  Golden  Rule 
Before  he  ever  went  to  School ; 
And,  even,  some  presume  to  say, 
That  he  can  tell  by  Algebra 
How  many  seconds  make  a  day ; 
For  he  has  added  to  a  T 
The  letters  A+B+C. 
All  this  his  little  head  contains, 
To  mention  nothing  of  his  brains. 


64  THE   REBELLIAD. 

But  to  return  :   c  Most  noble  peers/ 
Quoth  he,  '  I  pray  you  lend  your  ears/  — 

c  At  what  per  cent ! '  cried  Doctor  Pop. 
This  sudden  interruption  brought 

The  speaker  to  so  queer  a  stop, 
As  set  all  gravity  at  naught. 
6  Huzza  ! '  cried  Bibo,  «  good  !  Old  Boy  ! 
'  A  joke  is  born ;  I  give  you  joy. 
<  Fill,b  fill  each  tumbler  to  the  brim, 
'  And  let  the  jest  in  liquor  swim. 

c  Friend  Sikes,  what  say  you,  may  we  hope 

» 
c  You  '11  join  us  in  a  "  gen'ral  scope  "  ? ' 

c  These  "  Scopes,"  '  said  Pop,  c  we  well  can 

spare, 

c  They  being  rather  worse  for  wear.9 
duoth  Ware,*  '  I  take  your  joke  in  fun, 
'  And,  for  the  present,  owe  you  one/ 
c  I  do  not  like,'  said  Pop,  '  to  trust, 
6  But,  on  the  whole,  suppose  I  must ; 

*  Sikes. 

b  Ac  vina  liquentia  fundit. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  65 

c  Unless  you  call  on  brother  Logic,* 

c  A  pun  to  hammer  with  his  sledge/ 

c  What !  I,'  cried  Logic,  c  make  a  pun  ! 

6  It  is  a  thing  I  've  never  done : 

'  My  Wife  and  Stewart,  Locke  and  Clarke, 

6  (And  I  agree  in  their  remark,) 

'  Assert  that  puns  of  ev'ry  kind 

6  Are  symptoms  of  a  shiftless  mind/ 

He  said  :  the  Doctor  look'd  so  queer 

7T  was  plain  he  'd  caught  a  new  idea ; 

But  rather  seem'd  to  have  a  doubt 

Whether  't  would  do  to  let  it  out : 

But  finally  he  thought  it  best, 

And  thus  the  sentiment  express' d  : 

6  What  Mrs.  Logic,  Locke  and  you 

'  And  Clarke  and  Stewart  say,  is  true, 

c  Perhaps  ;  but  I  can  surely  find 

c  A  thing  more  shiftless  than  the  mind. 

*  Corrige. 


66  THE   REBELLIAD. 

c  A  woman  in  a  state  of  nature, 

c  Is  truly  a  more  shift-less  creature/ 

'  My  gin/  cried  Bibo,  c  must  be  good 

'  To  put  friend  Pop  in  such  a  mood ! ' 

'  Good  ! '  cried  the  Doctor,  '  I  protest, 

'  Of  gin,  I  think  it  is  the  best. 

'  Thucydides  may  go  to  grass, 

c  And  Homer  with  him,  for  a  glass  : 

'  It  is  delicious  ;  why,  a  bottle 

c  Has  fairly  routed  Aristotle. 

c  Such  is  its  influence,  in  short, 

'  That  Greek  of  ev'ry  kind  and  sort, 

'  Has  wholly  vanish' d  from  my  mind/ 

c  So  has,  (said  Screwem,  with  a  leer, 

Stretching  his  mouth  from  ear  to  ear,) 

4  So  has  my  speech  from  mine  I  find. 

'  Well,  well/  Pop  answer' d,  with  a  grin, 

'  Accuse  not  me,  but  blame  the  gin. 

c  Come,  Bibo,  fill  our  tumblers  full, 

'  And  let  us  take  another  pull. 


THE   RBBELLIAD.  67 

'  Here  's  hoping,  Jack,*  you  soon  may  wed 

c  A  warm  companion  for  your  bed  ! 

'  May  sons  and  daughters  crown  your  flame, 

'  And  may  her  deeds  belie  her  name. 

6 1  don't  conceive,'  cried  Bibo  :   c  pray, 

'  Explain  the  vim  of  what  you  say/ 

'  Well  then/  said  Pop,  'may  Venus  spare  her 

c  From  being  more  than  nine  months  farrar.9 

He  said,  and  down  the  liquor  quafFd  ; 

And  long  and  loud  Lord  Bibo  laugh'd. 

THE   GOODY,   AN  EPISODE. 

Though  Goody  was  no  longer  young, 
Yet  still  in  College  Yard  she  sung  ; 
And  oft  the  Tutors  gather' d  round, 
To  listen  to  the  magic  sound ; 
By  turns  they  felt  the  glowing  mind 
To  be  harmoniously  inclined  ; 
And  now,  't  is  said,  wThen  all  were  fir'd, 
With  Brandy,  Blackstrop,  Gin  inspired, 

*  Farrar. 


68  THE   REBELLIAD. 

They  snatch' d  from  the  surrounding  thistles 
Fiddles,  warming-pans,  and  whistles  ; 
And,  as  they  all  had  heard  apart 
Sweet  lessons  of  her  grating  art, 
Each  (for  madness  rul'd  the  hour) 
Would  prove  his  own  ear-rending  power. 

First  Sikes  to  try  his  skill  appeared, 

And  on  a  crazy  fiddle  play'd ; 
But  back  recoil' d  all  those  who  heard 

The  horrid  discord  that  he  made. 

Next  Screwem  to  the  contest  sprung, 
And  roird  his  phrenzied  eye  around ; 

With  one  rude  clash  the  fiddle  rung, 
And  dash'd  it,  shattered,  to  the  ground. 

With  woful  phiz  and  quite  demure, 
Sharks  humm'd  a  melancholy  air ; 

By  fits  and  starts,  he  struck  a  skewer ; 
By  starts  and  fits,  he  made  a  prayer. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  69 

But  thou  !  O  Pop  !  with  jolly  grin, 
What  was  thy  delighted  measure  ? 
Still  it  whisper'd  promised  pleasure. 

And  bade  Lord  Bibo  hand  the  mug  about ! 
Still  would  his  throat  the  draught  prolong, 
And,  when  he  'd  drain'd  the  liquor  out, 

He  calFd  on  Bibo  yet  through  all  his  song  ; 
And,  as  some  lively  theme  he  chose, 

A  cry  of  <  Fill  again/  was  heard  at  ev'ry  close; 

And  Pop,  enchanted,  smiFd  and  wav'd  a  glass 
of  gin. 

And  longer  had  he  sung  ; — but  with  a  frown, 

Touchy  impatient  rose  : 

He  threw  his  empty  glass  in  thunder  down, 
And,  with  a  with'ring  look, 
The  deaf  'ning  Engine  trumpet  took, 
And  blew  a  blast  so  loud  and  dread, 
That  Hollis  from  its  centre  shook, 

And  dogs  and  cats,  aghast  with  terror,  fled ! 
And,  ever  and  anon,  he  beat 
A  warming-pan  with  furious  heat ; 


70  THE   REBELLIAD. 

And  though,  sometimes,  each  dreary  pause 

between, 

The  little  pig  beneath  his  heel 
Continued  lustily  to  squeal, 
Yet  still  he  drumm'd  with  unabated  zeal, 
And  all  within  a  mile  to  stop  their  ears  were 
seen. 

Thy    numbers,     Oilman,    were    confin'd    to 

nought ! ! 
Alas  !  he  must  have  felt  forlorn  ! 

For  now,  a  squeaking  fife  he  caught ; 
And  now,  a  jews-harp  seiz'd  ;   then,  raving, 

took  a  horn. 

Lo  !  far  remote,  and  all  alone, 
Gad  Norton  sat  upon  a  stone ; 
And,  though  he  didn't  like  to  be 
Partaker  in  the  minstrelsy, 


THE   REBELLIAD.  71 

Yet,  on  the  whole,  he  thought  there  was  no 
harm 

In  moral  songs  and  hymns  of  praise  ; 

And  ^o  with  animated  lays, 
He  lifted  up  his  voice  and  sung  a  Psalm. 
With   eyes  uprais'd,  he  pour'd  the   solemn 
drawl ; 

Old  pious  tabbies  caught  the  twang, 

And  for  an  hour  the  parish  rang 

With  one  continued,  caterwaul. 

But  O,  how  different  was  the  rending  tone, 
When  Logic,  who  had  long  been  waxing  hot, 
His  hammer  o'er  his  shoulder  flung, 
And,  finding  near  an  iron  pot, 
With  eager  zeal,  a  ten-pound-ten   infernal, 

rung  — 

The  Blacksmith's  peal,  to  ancient  Cyclops 
known. 


72  THE   REBELLIAD. 

Munroe,*  with  boys  and  girls,  as   thick   as 

hops, 

And  tipplers  in  the  neighboring  shops. 
Gaping,  were  seen,  with  open  chops  ; 
Peele  Dabney  f  gaz'd,  Sikes  cut  a  shine  ; 
And  Pop  leap'd  up,  and  seiz'd  a  great  "  Long 
Nine." 

Last  of  all,  came  Bibo's  trial. 

He,  with  a  pumpkin-vine  advancing, 
First,  to  the  prickly  weed  his  mouth  address' d ; 
But,  soon  he  saw  Bat  Fuller's  f  corn-stalk  viol, 
Whose  little,  whining  voice  he  lov'd  the  best. 

They  would  have  thought,  who  heard  the 

strain, 
They  saw  in  Porter's||  Hall  his  chamber  maids 

Amidst  a  set  of  jolly  blades, 

*  Kept  a  boarding-house  for  students. 

f  Jonathan  Peele  Dabney,  A.  M.,  general  waiter  and  bell-ringer. 

t  A  childish  and  somewhat  eccentric  lawyer. 

||  Porter  was  innkeeper  near  the  University. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  73 

To  some  half  boozy  fiddler  dancing  : 
While,  as  his  blundering  fingers  scrap'd  the 

strings. 

Pop  fram'd  with  Sikes  a  gay  fantastic  round. 
Slack  were  their  breeches  seen,  their  hose 

unbound ; 

While  each,  defying  time  and  tune, 
Balanced  his  partner  with  a  rigadoon, 
And  shook  his  lively  heels,  in  pigeons'  wings. 

My  Muse  was  once  a  Virgin ;  but 

'T  is  no  great  matter 

How,  when,  or  where,  the  little  slut 

First  broke  the  platter. 
'T  is  rumor 'd  that  a  certain  tutor 
In  her  young  days  became  her  suitor. 
One  morning,  as  the  story  goes, 
Before  his  tutorship  arose, 
The  Goody  entered  with  her  broom, 
To  make  his  bed  and  sweep  his  room. 


74  THE   REBELLIAD. 

He  saw  her  tempting,*  and  began 
To  feel  the  frailties  of  a  man. 
A  veteran,  he  could  show  the  scars 
Of  many  hard-fought  '  Cyprian  wars/ 
At  first,  sly  looks  alone  were  cast ; 
His  passion  grew  so  high  at  last, 
He  had  the  impudence  to  say, 
He  'd  force  her  to  et  cetera. 
The  Goody  now  in  some  alarm  is, 
Lest  he  should  tackle  vi  et  armis  ; 
But  she  was  brave,  and  would  not  yield 
Unfought  the  laurels  of  the  field. 
He  open'd  now  another  battery, 

And  plied  her  hard  with  flattery. 

She  fell !  <  Oh  !  What  a  fall  was  there  ! ' 
Rise  !  Rise  !  Ye  tuneful  train  ! 

Bewail  a  fallen  sister  fair ! 
While  to  my  story  I  return  again. 

*  Goody  Morse,  the  daughter  of  her  mother,  stood  before  him  : 
—  a  besom  graced  her  hand  :  —  a  sweet  blush  was  on  her  rhubarb- 
colored  cheeks :  —  her  eyes  sparkled  like  moon-beams  in  a  mud- 
puddle  :  —  she  took  snuff:  —  she  wiped  her  nose  :  —  the  soul  of 
arose  :  —  his  mouth  watered,  &c.  —  Ossian. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  75 

Meantime,  Lord  Bibo  wish'd  to  send 
Some  one  on  whom  he  could  depend, 
To  lurk  about  their  camp  and  see 
The  movements  of  the  enemy. 

Thereon,  Old  Sikes  his  noddle  rear'd. 
And  in  the  service  volunteer 'd  ; 
But  first  seciir'd  his  friend,  the  jug, 
To  keep  his  carcass  warm  and  snug  ; 
Then  slily  issu'd  from  the  Hall, 
And  mounted  Bibo's  garden  wall ; 
But  hadn't  been  there  half  a  minute, 
Before  (as  if  th'  Old  Nick  was  in  't) 
The  Sophs  began  to  c  smell  a  rat/ 
And  soon  perceiv'd  what  he  was  at ; 
And  rais'd  so  great  a  hue  and  cry, 
As  soon  compell'd  Old  Sikes  to  fly  ; 
Who  in  the  Council  Hall  appears 
With  two  great  fleas  in  both  his  ears, 
And  in  a  woful  manner  tells 
How  he  was  frightened  by  the  yells. 


T6  THE   REBELLIAD. 

Lord  Bibo's  heart  was  almost  broke 

To  hear  how  dolefully  he  spoke ; 

And,  that  it  never  might  be  said, 

That  Sikes  without  revenge  had  fled, 

He  vow'd  with  oath  most  horrible, 

He  'd  rusticate,  if  not  expel, 

A  half  a  dozen  of  the  Sophs, 

To  pay  them  for  their  blackguard  scoffs. 

Accordingly  Jack  Hopper,  Motte, 

And  four  besides  'em,  went  to  pot ; 

At  which  the  Sophs  were  almost  frantic, 

And  cut  some  capers  wondrous  antic. 

They  roar'd  and  bawl'd,  and  were  so  bloody 

As  to  besiege  Lord  Bibo's  study, 

Demanding  that  he  should  recall 

Their  faithful  comrades  one  and  all ; 

But  stubborn  Bibo  flatly  swore 

He  'd  rusticate  a  dozen  more, 

Or  even  every  mother's  son, 

Ere  he  'd  recall  a  single  one. 


THE   REBELLIAD.  77 

He  likewise  took  two  other  courses. 
The  Physical  and  Civil  forces ; 
But  Physics  were  not  stout  enough 
To  meddle  with  rebellious  stuff ; 
And  as  for  Law,  it  quickly  flew 
With  Justices  and  Churchmen  too. 
Though  Deacon  Shavem  did  in  fact 
Begin  to  read  the  Riot  Act, 
The  whole  effect  these  measures  had, 
Was  but  to  make  the  Sophs  more  mad  ; 
Until  their  fury  was  so  great 
They  swore  they  'd  go  at  any  rate, 
And  leave  the  College  and  its  Devils, 
Screws,  duns,  and  other  such  like  evils. 
True  to  his  oath,  each  wrathy  Soph 
With  mighty  dignity  went  off. 

But  cease,  dear  Goody !  Cease,  My  Pen, 
For  now  they 've  all  sneak 'd*  back, — AMEN. 

*  After  having  taken  an  intermission  of  two  weeks. 


ACTEURS. 


(COLLEGE  FACULTY  IN  1819.) 

LORD  BIBO,  President  Kirkland,  D.  D.,  LL.  D. 

DR.  POP,  Dr.  Popkin,  Professor  of  Greek. 

SIKES,  Rev.  Henry  Ware,  D.  D.,  Professor  of  Divinity. 

TOUCHY,  Rev.  John  Brazer,  D.  D.,  Professor  of  Latin. 

LOGIC,  Levi  Hedge,  LL.  D.,  Professor  of  Logic,  Metaphysics, 
Nat.  Phil.,  &c. 

SCREWEM,  John  Farrar,  LL.  D.  Professor  of  Mathematics  and 
Nat.  Phil. 

GAD  NORTON,  Andrews  Norton,  A.  M.,  Professor  of  Sacred  Lit- 
erature. 

WILLARD,  Sidney  Willard,  Professor  of  Hebrew  and  other  Ori- 
ental Languages. 

SHARKS,  Jared  Sparks,  A.  M.,  Tutor. 

BARNWELL,  1  Robert  W.  Barnwell,  Sophomore,  post  Col.  Carol. 

NATHAN,      >  Austr.  Pres. 

ABIJAH,  a  Freshman. 

CALEB,  Caleb  Stetson,  Freshman,  now  Rev.  Caleb  Stetson. 

' ,,         > Miss  Morse,  the  daughter  of  her  mother. 
WALLIS,  Charley  Wallis,  Musician. 


)O 


